Developing Self-Esteem for Better Sex
What is Self-Esteem?
The American Psychological Association defines self-esteem as having a positive self-concept. “Self-concept” refers to your beliefs about yourself and how you view yourself in your mind’s eye. Essentially, self-esteem refers to all of your opinions about yourself. Opinions can be more or less accurate, though, and often you can be your harshest critic.
Self-esteem forms during childhood and adolescence. The most prominent theory is that as your developing mind faces challenges and receives feedback from your environment, you form a sense of your ability to face new situations, fit into society, and endure hardship as well as an understanding of yourself. All of this happens more or less subconsciously, which can make it difficult to have insights as an adult into why you feel the way you feel about yourself. If you struggle with self-esteem, you might engage in negative self-talk, struggle to face uncertain or new situations, or feel that you aren't’ good enough and don’t meet expectations.
Self-Esteem and Sex
Your self-esteem has a huge impact on your sex-life and vice versa. Sex (with others or with yourself) can be a deeply vulnerable act. For someone with a positive self-concept regarding sex (higher self-esteem), letting down your defenses and allowing yourself to relax and experience pleasure can feel exciting in a safe way. If you are someone with a less positive self-concept regarding sex (lower self-esteem), the vulnerability inherent in sexual behavior might feel exciting in a not-so-safe way (a.k.a. anxious or fearful). You might feel fearful that your partner will judge you based on your appearance or performance. You might struggle to believe that you are desirable to your partner. You could even feel that you don’t deserve to experience pleasure during sex or that it’s an imposition to ask your partner to help you feel pleasure during sex. Low self-esteem can make sex feel like a chore to you or turn sex into a one-sided experience - something you do for others but not for yourself.
How Therapy Can Help Improve Your Self-Esteem
A trained, professional therapist or counselor can help you identify and interrogate the beliefs and opinions about yourself that are leading to low self-esteem. Through a process called cognitive restructuring, your therapist can help you challenge unhelpful beliefs and form new, more helpful opinions about yourself. In therapy, you can also unpack some of the core experiences that contributed to the formation of your self-concept and really examine them with your adult mind. In therapy, you have support choosing and adopting new approaches and behaviors to life that promote higher self-esteem. This often involves learning to endure anxious feelings and overcome the urge to avoid scary situations so that you have the opportunity to enjoy the results of your new behaviors. For example, tolerating the anxiety leading up to an honest conversation about sex with your partner can lead to the rewarding experience of feeling heard and accepted by them. A therapist can guide and support you through these changes and help you reflect on the outcomes.
If you identify with the topics discussed above and would like to speak to a therapist about whether or not therapy could be helpful for you, please contact me, Sally Fries, MHC-P, for a free 15-minute phone consultation.
